Art, Mould and Pancakes (in that order)

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My significant other is an artist and she’s still at uni so I get to play with all the equipment, paper, paints, fancy fabrics etc that she buys and I must admit, letting the creative juices flow is quite liberating. Now, I am no artist, every animal I attempt to draw looks like a three year old drew a dinosaur, no matter which animal I try to draw, which is puzzling in itself but that aside, you really don’t have to be good at art to enjoy it. I think in order to keep the arts alive and relevant we need to break the snobbery that surrounds them and start experimenting with art again, even if all you can draw is bizarre dinosaurs, draw them, colour them in, scan them into the computer and digitally manipulate them, there are so many advancements in art and you don’t have to be an ‘artist’ to experiment with them. Personally I’m a writer and I love expressing my inner most feelings in word form, it’s (hopefully) what I’m good at and I love it and although I’m not very good at ‘art’ it does involve a certain freedom of the mind, a permission almost, to create things that exist outside our minds and the realms of our mortal world. I must admit I’m blessed that my fiancé is a practicing artist and this gives me a certain amount of confidence in messing around but it has got me thinking that art should be for everyone and we should all continue playing with paint, colouring in and cutting things out into our adulthood, who cares what people think, fuck them, it feels really good!

I think it has also helped in keeping my mind off family matters or lack of family in my case, I miss my brothers and my nieces so much and I think I have paid a high price to live the life I want in losing them, I hope one day I am able to re-connect with them but letting my mind drift and be creative has helped me confront some painful issues off loss, love and accepting what I cannot change.

As for the mould, it is the blight of my life at the moment and cleaning it is the least artistic thing I have done or witnessed this week. We seem to have brought it with us from our last flat and the clean up has been monumental. We have discovered that baking soda and white vinegar kill it and the dehumidifier keeps it at bay. It’s been expensive, exhausting and I can tell you, trips to the tip when you have OCD are nerve-wrecking and distressing but hopefully our hard work will pay off and it will stay away. *crosses fingers*

Due to the excessive mould cleaning we didn’t get to celebrate pancake day, well I say celebrate, my lady is atheist and I’m some kind of Jewish-Pagan hybrid so celebrate would be too strong a term but we likes us some pancakes and what better excuse than pancake DAY. So we survived the mould and made pancakes for breakfast today instead and they were glorious! We do a fruit, ice cream, Nutella mix up kinda thing and it was the perfect end to some labour intensive days. Now back to the art…..

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Our (Emotional) Entitlement Culture

 

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A weird subject to talk about but I’ve been short tempered all week and when I calmed down enough to think about why it’s because of all the people in my life who feel they are just ‘entitled’ to something. And by things I don’t just mean material possessions, I mean entitlement to the time, space, energy, expertise and resources of other people. I think it ultimately makes people very unhappy and here’s my theory why. When someone offers you their support, makes a thoughtful gesture or lends you a shoulder to cry on, it’s a wonderful thing, we feel loved, cherished, protected and safe; and who wouldn’t want that? But in our instant culture more and more people expect or demand these things rather than accepting the random beauty of these occurrences and worse than this, they show no gratitude or appreciation to those who have provided it and it’s just ugly.

 

 

People expect so much, a good job, money, a house, a car, regular holidays, a ready-made family and friendship circle, a soul mate, children but they now want more than this and they are willing to use and manipulate people to feel a certain way about themselves and it’s become acceptable. What’s worse, they don’t rule out bullying to get this support, which is down right creepy, how can you bully someone into giving you emotional support? But I swear I know people who do it. Emotional Vampires who suck the goodness out of people and all the while telling them it’s not enough. Is this a result of the media and capitalism or a simple, selfish unwillingness to give back?

 

 

I love to help, its part of who I am and I think it’s why I feel so strongly about it. This has however made me question if I feel entitled to anything, and if I’m being honest I do feel a sense of entitlement to a good job, I’ve got my degree and a PGCE, I’ve worked in my chosen career area for 8 years, I’ve trained, worked tirelessly at the bottom only to be treated badly because I’d proved I could ‘handle it’ and I think rather than accept I made a poor choice it’s easier to feel bitter. I think it’s this attitude that stops people from changing their behavior or actions because they sit around waiting for their magical golden goose to lay an egg, an egg that never comes and the person falls deeper into their own misery or they expect other people to fix it all for them. I left my job and now face the uncertainty of what I will do when my temporary job ends but the more I think about it, I’m not entitled to a good job, I have to put myself out there just like everyone else and hope for the best.

 

I also vow to be more appreciative to those who offer their support, time and energy to me because is it invaluable, it nourishes the sanity I still have and I’m a lot happier when I accept even when I feel like the world is against me there is someone in my life who at least wants to make my existence a little brighter and I hope I do this for others too.

 

I believe all human beings are all entitled to the basics, respect, dignity, civility, general courtesy but anything deeper we have to work for, which means we have to give as much support as we receive and maybe we would be a whole lot happier if we accepted this?

How long will my gay tears take to dry?

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I wanted my first ever post to have a really positive message or contain something beautiful that defines me but its not and its tough. It’s about feeling lonely and empty and although little pockets of enjoyment keep me going, e.g. chocolate consumption, American TV, randomly laughing with strangers about nothing, I’m just not happy and I don’t understand why its such a conversation stopper to say you’re not happy?! When people catch up, they pretend they are the happiest they have ever been, its so fake and annoying and most of us do it, all because we would be branded weird if we told the truth? Or people will talk behind our backs? (Well I’ll let you into a little secret, they do anyway!)

The people in my life started behaving weirdly when I first met my girlfriend and I think it’s why I’m so sad. Although I have always been openly bi-sexual I think everyone expected me to meet a man, have some children and maybe ‘grow out of it’ but then I met my lady and people started treating me like I had a highly infectious disease, I got a lot of bulgy eyed looks and uncomfortable silences, even my best friend is now ‘too busy’ to be around me. We used to talk about everything and anything and I mean ANYTHING! But its not just her, apparently lady love is not on the friendship menu and I have to hide all elements of lesbianism in my life so people don’t feel uncomfortable, well I think its bullshit. It’s not as if I want to debate lesbian sex techniques or the price of dildos, I don’t want to make anyone feel uncomfortable but I do want to talk about love and relationships without silence descending, maybe we are mis-sold the idea that we can be what we want to be but the reality of this is a much lonelier pill to swallow.

My own mother has tried to make my life hell because I’m in a gay relationship, she has turned my family against me, threatened my partner and said the most unforgivable, sickening things to me. This is a woman who used to say she ‘loves the gays’ and went drinking down the gay village frequently, she would never share her homophobic views with the outside world for fear of being judged so I wonder if people started telling the truth would the world be a better place or just a more offensive one? I think a more thoughtful truth is better than a lie, for the sole reason that at least everyone knows where they stand, even if it’s outside of everything they know and trust. They say happiness comes from within but I think we need other people to reflect that happiness back to us, as Cooleys, ‘Looking Glass Self/Effect’ states, ‘people’s conceptualization of their own views of self are based on how they perceive how others view them’ and I think it’s true.

I didn’t want my first post to be a rant but I’m pissed off, apparently gay people do not need or deserve support, love or understanding, hell they don’t need families or friends. I don’t want to put people off coming out, believe me I don’t think I would be here if I hadn’t, being out and lonely is far better than being in and trapped (for me anyway) I just want to be honest about the rejection and dissociation I have experienced and maybe find solace by talking about it.