I’m so so very jealous of all the women I know getting pregnant and having baby’s, I know I shouldn’t be, having a baby is a beautiful, natural and life affirming experience, one I want for me and my partner so desperately, but I just feel sick to my stomach when, yet again, one of my friends has a baby/gets pregnant and the guilt of these emotions just makes me feel worse.
A bit of background; deep down I’ve always wanted a baby, as soon as I started having sex I was secretly buying baby clothes (you know, just in case) but I always figured I wouldn’t be able to do it, mainly due to anxiety/OCD, I just didn’t think a pregnancy was something I could deal with. Fast forward to my 30’s, meeting the love of my life and taking a regular dose of Citalopram for quite a while now and I’m ready! But being emotionally ready does not lead to a pregnancy. In fact each time it doesn’t work I am genuinely shocked. I think, well I want this and I’m doing everything right so what’s going on?!
I was talking to my mum (we have started talking again after four years of a big fall out so things are still kind of fragile there) but she was saying it took her a good year to conceive me, her and my dad were young healthy, baby dancing to their hearts content and it still took them 12 months. My rational brain is telling me that everything is fine and normal, that these things just take time, but my heart, my emotions are going full on crazy, I cry at any baby related things, feeling like it will never happen for us, I actually have a stash of baby clothes I bought when we started trying and now they are making me feel awful, I just wish I could take some pressure off myself, trust that it will happen and enjoy the ride.
So, congratulations to all the lady’s who are pregnant or who have just had their bundle of joy on behalf of us lot who are still trying to conceive, if we don’t seem as excited as we should for you it’s because, we actually really are, we want to cry and tell you that you that you have everything we ever dreamed of, we want to ask you everything you did to get pregnant, we want to hold your baby and pretend it’s ours (ok, maybe that last one is just me) but please know that our envy is not born out of hate or malice, but out of frustration, it’s very hard for a woman to say out loud that she is struggling to get pregnant in our culture, and if we come off as bitter or less than happy for you it’s because we are fighting to hold back all the crap and pain inside us, we don’t want to make it all about us but we do very much understand how precious your baby is and how happy you must be to give life, we understand more than most x