How long will my gay tears take to dry?

 

I wanted my first ever post to have a really positive message or contain something beautiful that defines me but its not and its tough. It’s about feeling lonely and empty and although little pockets of enjoyment keep me going, e.g. chocolate consumption, American TV, randomly laughing with strangers about nothing, I’m just not happy and I don’t understand why its such a conversation stopper to say you’re not happy?! When people catch up, they pretend they are the happiest they have ever been, its so fake and annoying and most of us do it, all because we would be branded weird if we told the truth? Or people will talk behind our backs? (Well I’ll let you into a little secret, they do anyway!)

The people in my life started behaving weirdly when I first met my girlfriend and I think it’s why I’m so sad. Although I have always been openly bi-sexual I think everyone expected me to meet a man, have some children and maybe ‘grow out of it’ but then I met my lady and people started treating me like I had a highly infectious disease, I got a lot of bulgy eyed looks and uncomfortable silences, even my best friend is now ‘too busy’ to be around me. We used to talk about everything and anything and I mean ANYTHING! But its not just her, apparently lady love is not on the friendship menu and I have to hide all elements of lesbianism in my life so people don’t feel uncomfortable, well I think its bullshit. It’s not as if I want to debate lesbian sex techniques or the price of dildos, I don’t want to make anyone feel uncomfortable but I do want to talk about love and relationships without silence descending, maybe we are mis-sold the idea that we can be what we want to be but the reality of this is a much lonelier pill to swallow.

My own mother has tried to make my life hell because I’m in a gay relationship, she has turned my family against me, threatened my partner and said the most unforgivable, sickening things to me. This is a woman who used to say she ‘loves the gays’ and went drinking down the gay village frequently, she would never share her homophobic views with the outside world for fear of being judged so I wonder if people started telling the truth would the world be a better place or just a more offensive one? I think a more thoughtful truth is better than a lie, for the sole reason that at least everyone knows where they stand, even if it’s outside of everything they know and trust. They say happiness comes from within but I think we need other people to reflect that happiness back to us, as Cooleys, ‘Looking Glass Self/Effect’ states, ‘people’s conceptualization of their own views of self are based on how they perceive how others view them’ and I think it’s true.

I didn’t want my first post to be a rant but I’m pissed off, apparently gay people do not need or deserve support, love or understanding, hell they don’t need families or friends. I don’t want to put people off coming out, believe me I don’t think I would be here if I hadn’t, being out and lonely is far better than being in and trapped (for me anyway) I just want to be honest about the rejection and dissociation I have experienced and maybe find solace by talking about it.